Is the wicked stepmother nothing more than a fairytale? If you are feeling like the wicked
stepparent, did you start out that way?
Stepparents find themselves in no small bind. Women especially are more often placed in a
role of being the children’s caretaker; hence, more fairytales have the
stepmother as their antagonist. But
truly, all stepparents often find themselves needing to discipline, guide, and
correct children. This can be
tough. Children may resent this new
person in the household. They may be in
a loyalty bind with the biological parent who is not living in the house. This parent may not be happy that their
children are being guided by someone they themselves haven’t come to
accept. As for biological parents who
are in the same household, they may give mixed messages to discipline the
children but not in a way that upsets the children.
So here’s a couple of ideas that might help.
* Be easy on
yourself. You’ve taken on a huge
task. Do the best you can. Don’t take it personally if things seem to go
poorly, especially at first.
* Be slow to
be the authority. At the beginning, take
on the authority of someone in charge, but not the primary person in
charge. Like a babysitter who uses the
parent’s authority to discipline, tell the children that this needs to happen
because these are the rules of the house.
* Change
existing rules slowly. A stepparent
often sees how the biological parent may have become lax about holding the
structure during times of transition. Or
maybe the bio parent always was more lax.
Either way, changing things quickly usually meets with resistance.
* Make sure
you take care of yourself. One way to do
this is to keep something from your previous life, the one you had before being
in this blended family. For example, spend time with your old friends and do
some things without the family that you used to enjoy. This will help you to renew yourself with
what is familiar. The more you take care of yourself, the more available you
will be to take care of others.
* Have
hope. Things usually get better with
time, especially if you and your partner are working together on it. My husband and I created a blended family. We have had our moments, lots of them, but
we’ve now been married 27 years and have raised three wonderful children.
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