Transform Your Relationship-One Hot Tip

There is one thing you can do that will likely transform your relationship right now, and it doesn’t depend on your partner.  Whew!  Isn’t that a relief?  But it may be harder than you think.  At least it was for me.  

What you can do is this.  Think about what you do in the relationship that probably drives your partner crazy.  Separate it from what your partner does that makes you crazy, i.e., I wouldn’t do x, y, or z, if you didn’t do a, b, or c first.  

I want to share with you how this happened in my relationship after I had been studying about personal responsibility in relationships for awhile. Like many people, I was an expert on my husband’s shortcomings.  Being a therapist only made me an expert with a capital E. One of his shortcomings was that he didn’t ever seem available to talk things out with me when we had a problem.  His avoidance of conflict made me wonder if we would ever be able to resolve any issue since we never talked in a healthy way about anything.  

But what happened changed my relationship with him and my awareness of the power of taking personal responsibility.  This happened about 15 years ago so all the details have become illusive other than I was sitting in the hot tub, and Dave was standing next to the hot tub annoyed with me as I was clearly annoyed with him.   I remember thinking that he had a point, but that I would never have said what I did if he hadn’t said something else first.  Like I said, this was a long time ago.  

But I remember what I did next like it was yesterday.  I decided to only take ownership of my side of the argument.  I told him about my awareness and did not add anything about what he had said or did.  I whole heartedly apologized and expressed understanding about how I understood that what I said would be upsetting to him.

My fantasy was that he would then feel free to take ownership of his side of the argument, and that he would say something similar to me complete with his own apology.  He didn’t.  He thanked me, and he walked away.  It was all I could do to not climb out of the tub, follow him, and let him know that I was still waiting for his ownership, his apology.   

It’s probably good that I was in the tub and the effort seemed too big.  What did happen, however, is that Dave started to become more available to have conversations with me about things that were problems in our relationship.  This was big.  In a recent tiff,  he emailed me, “I'm sure we can mend things. We're getting pretty good at that.”   I almost reached through cyberspace and gave him a hug.  

An Ending

As the moon wanes on its path to meet its destination with the sun for a solar eclipse, my dear friend, Carol, marks time, one rattling breath after another.  Last night, she told her husband to take the mask off, a mask to the C-pap machine that was ensuring that her breath would keep her alive.  She was done.  She was ready to accept that she would only have a little more time before she would take her last breath.  I don’t know what it takes to make that decision, but I admire the clarity of her message, the courage of her choice. 

I met Carol about 20 years ago.  I had given a presentation at a professional organization, which she attended.  After the meeting, she walked up to me and said, “I want to be your friend.”  Simple, direct, bold.  That was Carol.  I said yes, and our friendship began.  She knows my stories, my insecurities, and my secrets. I have trusted her that much. 

It's been a long struggle for Carol, who was diagnosed with ovarian cancer three years ago.   I love her even more as her end is close.  My memories of her seem more precious now, impossible to take for granted.  My heart feels full; my body tired.  I don't know if it's my least or favorite time of living.  I hate saying good-bye, and yet feel more present, more in contact with the people with whom I had been sharing a vigil, more sensitive to all the nuances of being together, that I can't think of anyplace else in the world that I would rather be.

As of this writing, Carol is still holding onto life.  It's a mysterious time and space between here and there, a decision to let go that most of us fight our entire time on earth to avoid.

Dear friend, as your journey on this earth is drawing to a close, I hold you in my heart and prayers.  When it’s my time to go home, come help guide me through.  I trust you will.  See you on the other side.  Love you.  Jozeffa


In memory of Carol Cross, April 1, 1941 to May 25, 2012.  She will be missed.